We had some bad weather today, snow, freezing rain, icy roads, the usual. Time to start earlier and slow down a bit you'd think, right? Not so for one individual whose lack of driving skills almost left me in a ditch to avoid killing them. The offending party then obliged me by waving one-fingered hand signals for the favor. Hint, clear your windshield and back window, you can't drive through a 4-inch hole and enter the roadway safely. Even better, there was a little sticker that identified the driver as a "down-stater". I got to thinking (instead of running their Civic into the snowbanks with my pickup)......So you got tired of the traffic, compressed people, office and lifestyle, eh? You thought it would be a good idea to get out of the city and raise the kids outside the rat race, good idea. It was time to get to where the schools don't have guards screening for weapons at the front door, right? Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions and thanks for the new blacktop. It would be nice if when you moved you could DITCH the rut you were trying so desperately to leave behind. Nope, you brought it with you, and being neighborly, I'm going to tell you politely what you need to work on. Maybe you could tell your friends that are moving here not to make the same mistakes.
Here's my top-ten list of suggestions and observations for you new to the area folks:
1. Leave the attitude at the Tappan Zee bridge. We say hello, make eye contact and wave with all our fingers.
2. If you drive like that here the police will really stop and ticket you or we'll run you off the road.
3. Uh, your hummer ain't impressing anyone here, lemme show you my tractor. It cost 4 times what that yuppie-mobile cost.
4. You paid way too much for the house you bought and drove up my taxes....shop around, dicker...
5. We have an IQ and it might be higher than yours since we already knew this was the best place to live.
6. Stay out of local politics until you've lived here for 30 years. We've got it in hand, we've lived here and we know the history.
7. We have gun clubs and hunt, get over it. If you want to protest, come out to the woods in the official "Bambi" protester outfit provided, brown suit with horned hat.
8. My front yard is not your dogs bathroom and you will pick it up or it will be delivered back to your mailbox.
9. Don't think your in Beverly Hills, your house sits in the middle of the old cabbage patch where I used to spread horse and chicken manure. Yea, we sold the cabbage downstate...
10. We can tell where you're from by the way you drive once it starts to snow and we think it's funny as hell to watch.
These are a few clues to not finding yourself in the same situation that you came from. We're glad you came to live here, welcome! Now shut up, sit down, listen, learn, make friends and be nice. If I have to stop the car you're all in for it....
Hey, it’s all in good fun. If you thought this was funny, you’ve lived here for a while. If you’re affronted, good, take the advice.
My next truck..pull out in front of this...