Saturday, February 23, 2008

Spandex? This is good how?

I know I just posted but I went upstairs and caught a really scary video on TV that reminded me of something that needs to addressed. This is a really sore subject for us upstaters...Spandex,  invented in 1959 by Joseph Shrivers, an obvious down-stater, who must still be chuckling from where ever he is at the joke he played. Spandex is not normally something you see an upstater wearing about in public, hell, not anywhere!. Blue jeans, wind pants or shorts, sure, spandex, not on a bet. We look at spandex like an all-purpose cover for what can't be covered by conventional means. I'm sure it was in vogue at some time and believe me, that time has passed. It seems some folks apparently think it makes them look, umm, athletic or hot. NOPE. If you're wearing spandex you kind of look like the Italian sausage links at the meat store. Lots of meat and fat packed in a tube with no room to spare, something's gotta give.

Just a few pointers on when not to wear spandex;

  • If your shorts look like two woodchucks fighting in a feedbag full of cottage cheese, don't wear spandex.
  • If you find yourself looking on the tag for the gross weight rating, don't wear spandex.
  • If you had to install helper springs on your car for you and your mate, don't wear spandex.
  • If you're over 6, don't wear spandex.
  • If you lose your bloomers in a windstorm and see the neighbor covering his bassboat with them, don't wear spandex.
  • If you have ever weighed yourself at the landfill, don't wear spandex.
  • If the Hummingbird tattoo you got 30 years ago now looks like a freaky buzzard, don't wear spandex.
  • If someone has ever asked to use your pants as a tow strap, don't wear spandex.
  • If your designer jeans are made by Peterbuilt, Kenworth or Mack, don't wear spandex.
  • If anyone has ever mistaken your shorts for a main sail, don't wear spandex.
  • If your kids have ever used your knickers for a trampoline, don't wear spandex.
  • If someone has ever mistakenly shown a wide-screen movie on your butt, don't wear spandex.
  • If you have to grease yourself to get in the truck, don't wear spandex.

I know this may sound kind of harsh but it leads me back to a day that blinded my minds' eye due to spandex failure. While exiting a grocery store with my youngest son, a van with disable plates pulled up in front of the store. A woman of portly stature in black knee-length spandex attempted to throw one of her cheeks out of the van to get her foot on the ground. Upon touching the ground she exceeded the limits of spandex and there was a sound like a gunshot. One half of her derrière was exposed for the world to see and I covered my son's face so as to avoid seeking professional help for him. As we ran from the "cheeknami" and the poor woman scrambled to get in all back in the van all you could hear were screams and gasps of horror at the sight of "Cheesezilla"....That oughta put you off spandex for life.....


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